Okay, I lied. I’m okay. I really am. I don’t know what happened the other day, but I’m fine and I’m going to continue to be fine. The meltdown I had looks a little silly now, actually. Last night, I went to my friend, Haley’s and there was two guys there. I actually knew both of them. One was Brant’s roommate’s brother and the other was a guy who’s probably as bad as Brant when it comes to relationships. He’s actually fucked over one of my friends. Anyways, I was completely nervous the whole time I was there just because there were people I’m not really used to there. But I got more and more comfortable and everything just became very fluid. We played Wheel of Fourtune on the Wii and the whole time the other guy was flirting with me. I know it is kinda just naturally what he does when he’s around girls but it made me feel good. It was good to feel attractive for once. As the night went on, I had more and more fun and I didn’t want to leave.. Then Brant started calling me and texting me. I ignored the calls and texts, but then I started thinking about him and texted him back. I told him I’d meet up with him around 10 but when that time came, I didn’t want to leave. When I left and met him, suddenly, all those imperfections that made him perfect in my eyes no longer seemed like good things. I used to love the little extra fat he had around his waist and now it just.. I don’t know. I know it’s shallow. Suddenly, his personality didn’t seem that great either. I was sitting there thinking about how he acted towards me and asked myself if this was how he acted all the time. I never realized it. He just acts like he doesn’t care about me. I don’t really have to deal with that. I mean, I probably still will, but I don’t have to. I don’t have to put all my energy into something he doesn’t put all his into. I can get what I need from him, (the little affection he does give me) and I can still talk to other guys. I don’t have to focus on him because he doesn’t focus on me. I deserve better than that and I’m starting to realize this. It’s sad that it took actually hanging out and getting attention from another guy to realize this, but that’s what it took. On my way home, this morning, I was thinking about how I actually do have a couple guys that wouldn’t mind getting to know me. I really, really don’t have to deal with what he puts me through.

I’m not okay. I’m really, really not. I thought I didn’t feel that much for him but then.. Last night. I lost it. I lost it completely. I was driving going close to 100 on the highway in the rain crying. I can’t handle this. I’m so terrified. I’m losing my mind. I care way more for him than I ever thought I would and way more than he cares about me which is so stupid. He’s probably fucking some bitch right now and I’m sitting here wishing he cared about me in the slightest. I’m stupid, this is stupid. All I can think about right now is sleep. I just want to sleep because when I sleep, I can’t care about it. I don’t feel sad. It’s so numbing.. But I wake myself up every thirty minutes to check my phone for anything from how. How fucking pathetic am I? I never wanted this. I knew exactly how he was, how he is. I try so hard to distance myself but I can’t. I don’t want to cry anymore.

I feel really thin today. It’s a nice feeling.

I hate how absolutely happy he makes me. I hate it so much. I spent the night at his house last night and I’m so happy sleeping with him. I move around a lot and I don’t get much sleep but just his presence makes me happy and I hate that so much. I hate that he still has that control over me because I’m so scared of what he does when I’m not around. It’s so miserable to think about, really. I want, so badly, to believe that he’s different now and that all the things he says are true but it’s so hard. Sometimes, when I’m with him, I’m really, really happy.. But then the next second, Cassi crosses my mind, or Shelby, and I just get really upset. Last night, this happened. I was with him and I got really upset and he kept trying to get me to tell him what was wrong, but I couldn’t. I felt silly. He begged me to tell him what was wrong, and when I didn’t, he got mad and punched the wall. Sometimes, I’m scared of him.

I know I haven’t posted in awhile. A lot has happened and it’s hard to relive it all by writing about it. It’s like it’s happening all over again. I’d much rather just push it to the back of my mind and leave it there, but I feel like I need to do this. Anyways, Brant and I broke up.. Again. He was writing his ex, Shelby, about how he wanted to be with no one but her and she was the only one he’d ever marry. He told her he loved her and that I wasn’t important. Shelby basically told him to stick it up his ass and forwarded me the messages. Oddly, I wasn’t that torn up about it. This time around, when we were together, I was distant from him. He knew that. He asked why I was distant all the time, but he never really cared to hear my answer. For days after, he was begging for me back. This happened March 18, and he’s still begging for me back. Anyways, then on March 21, I went to class like I do every Wednesday. With 30 minutes left in class, my mom called me, which was weird because she knew I was in class. I rejected the call and went back to work. Then she called me again about ten minutes later. I rejected it and texted her that I was in class and asked what she needed. She said “Come out please I need you” and my heart started pounding. I told the professor that I needed to leave and I walked outside. I got into the car and she was crying. She was bleeding from her head and her eyebrow and I could barely understand what she was saying. “He took him..” and “I can’t live without him” is what she kept mumbling over and over again. She said Jason took my 3 year old brother, Nick, and since they were married, the cops said there was nothing they could do. They’d have to fight in court. I don’t know the whole story, but once I got home, there was glass and blood everywhere. The door was broken, Jason’s tires were slashed, my mom’s laptop was shattered. Jason was trying to fix his tires and Nick was sitting on a stool next to him while he worked. When I got there and saw him, I started crying, ran over to him, and squeezed him. I had never been so relieved but I can only imagine what he saw while I was gone and I wasn’t there to protect him.. This has always been the normal for my 17 year old brother and I, growing up. I didn’t want him to see any of that, but he almost has it worse. He’s so young..

Easily one of the worst days of my life.

Sometimes, I pretend I’m sick or not feeling good to see if Brant would care. Sometimes I tell him I’m feeling nauseous in the mornings and stuff like that just to see what he would say if he thought I was pregnant. That’s pretty sad, isn’t it? I mean, I don’t want kids with hi… Maybe that’s a lie. I don’t think it matters who it’s with. I want a baby in general, but I know I’m not ready for that. Just those times of weakness after everything that’s happened.. It’s hard. His responses always seem excited to the thought of me having a baby. I know it isn’t possible but it’s cute. I don’t know. I know we’re not going to last and I know we’d be really shitty parents together, but.. I don’t know. The thought is really attractive to me. But, I guess I’ve been lying to him so much and have had the idea of pregnancy in my head so often that I’m getting these false pregnancy symptoms. I’ve done this to myself before. I get morning sickness and my feet actually get really swollen. I have increased appetite and I gain weight which kills me. I consistently feel like I’m going to throw up. All the symptoms I got when I was pregnant. I rub my belly a lot, like I’ve convinced myself I’m pregnant. I don’t know. It’s really sad that I do this to myself.

I love feeling like no one gives a shit about me. Love that. Friends I used to be so close to just don’t care anymore. I always felt like I bugged you anyways. I’m learning who just doesn’t give a shit about me, one day at a time. I’m so tired of this. The very few good friends I have are few and far between and even then, there aren’t many I trust. I hate feeling like this. Fuck you.

How could you think it’s okay to treat ANYONE the way you treat me?! I’m so tired of fighting with you. I’m so tired of you putting me down and making me feel like shit. Why can’t I just stop this?!

God damn. What I wouldn’t give for a normal, semi-happy relationship. One where I would know he isn’t seeing anyone else when I’m not around and not thinking of anyone else when I am. One where we’re both mutually happy and trust each other. One where if I don’t get to see him for more then a week, I’m actually sad about it and when I do get to see him, I’m happy about it for longer than just the first hour. One where we take pictures together and put them up on Facebook and people comment on it and say we’re cute together and to never break up. A relationship that when he says “I love you” or “I miss you” or something totally cheesy, I know he means it. Sometimes, I even lie to him and tell him that I’m not feeling good just to see if he really cares. He doesn’t. This is so dysfunctional and I’m always sad. Always.

Just some old posts I found on my previous Tumblr. (Oldest to newest) They make me really sad actually.

• Dustin: so baby i missed you so much today i miss holding you and being with you so much like when i’m away from you i’m missing apart of me. everytime i have to leave you to go home or see you leave i just feel like there goes apart of me that i wont see tomarrow i miss you Breeana. like i always wish i could pull you back like that fisrt day i hung out at your house the time eric was up and right when we were going to leave i walked a way then i said hold on then i hugged you again very tight i never wanted to let go babe. i loved being with you every moment like i couldn’t ever imagine i could feel so comfortable with some one usually i’m akward in some way. Baby i bet if i could feel your heart beat right now and you felt mine are heart beat would be beating the exact same at the same speed
  i want to brush the hair that is in your face behind your ear and kiss you

• I’m with Dustin Loius Herrera, we’ve been together for less then a week, but I think it will last and he tells me every day that he knows it will last. Sometimes it scares me how sure he is, and sometimes it scares me how much I like him. I mean, we were only talking for a month, and we just got together on the 17th. All things considered, I would call him my first “real” boyfriend. Yeah, I’ve had other relationships, but nothing that was going to be serious. Basically middle school relationships. But this whole thing scares the living shit out of me. He makes my palms all sweaty all the time (he loves making fun of me for it….) and he intimidates the shit out of me. He’s been in a 3 year relationship with this beautiful girl. I don’t know much about it or her, but it’s hard to believe that he went from her to me. Of course there were a few relationships in between, but he’s definately more experienced in relationships then I am. Another thing that scares me is the way he talks about me. He talks about me on Facebook like I’m the most amazing thing that’s ever happened to him. What if I can’t live up to that? What if he realizes that I’m not who he thought I was? Anyway, there’s my current relationship in a nutshell.

• I had a dream where my boyfriend’s friend was driving me around, and we passed this totaled truck, and no one was doing anything about it. There was blood coming through the truck and I was screaming at the guy who was driving to drive away. There was no sound coming from the truck, just blood. Once cops finally came, they had to call in for back up, and they used the jaws of life to open the door to the truck. Once they opened it, a cat falls out onto the concrete, and that’s all. No one else is in the truck.

• So even though you don’t want to hear it, I’m going to tell you about my “sexual debut” (I saw that somewhere, lmao, don’t ask.) But we were in my bed making out and shit, and when things started to get a little heavy, I asked him if we were going to wait, and he said yes. Funny thing is three minutes later, the wait was over. It hurt so bad, it seriously hurt like hell, and I just wanted it to be over. I’d go more in to detail but no one wants to hear about that. Haha, so afterwards, we put our clothes back on and he put his arms around me, and he fell asleep. Of course, I was awake for a couple hours after.

• “Why smoke when I can kiss you?” AWWWWWW. (: Dustin’s quitting smoking, I’m so excited. <3
• Yeah, Dustin quit smoking, which I never initially asked him to do, but when he did it I was sooo amazed. Seriously, it made me so happy, but today when I saw that circular little plastic can in his pocket, I was kinda upset. And he thinks it’s okay. I don’t want to kiss a mouth that’s been chewing. I’d rather kiss him after smoking a cigarette. I guess it’s kinda selfish. Obvously, I’d rather him not do either, I really am falling for him. Really fast. Not just the teenage naive “I love him but I really don’t” kinda love. It’s just when he says he’s going to quit smoking, I kinda hoped that meant all tabacco products. Maybe I’m just being selfish

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Why the fuck am I about to cry over this shit? Man the fuck up, Breeana. YOU ENDED IT, not him. Stop being a selfish bitch. Move on.